Wanted : The Unrest Uncure
Tis April, and while we may moan about lilacs breeding, the fact remains that it is the month of that dreaded Annual Performance Review.
One of the things that make us wish to take up BFGs and chainsaws is this New Age Management Revolution. Generations of gorment awficers have come and gone with no decision greater than whether samosas are better with tea or do biscuits look more awficer-like being taken. "Keeping pace with the times" meant seasonal shifts from chai to nimbupaani and back to chai.
Sigh. Now higher echelons attend courses on Critical Chain Path Management and Motivational Leadership. And come back, spouting Chicken Soup for The Manager's Soul jargon. And we middling cogs in the machine have to reflect in our Annual Performance Reviews, this revised thought process. My own review/recommendation, in brief and precise terms, is like this :
" I produce garbage because I work in a junkyard. Possibly, it has become a junkyard because of such garbage being produced over the years. Which came first is a subject that requires external consultants, with power-dressed young women resembling Lara Flynn Boyle in The Practice (for those with a severe outlook) or those lushy legals in Ally McBeal (for me) ".
( That of course, is tailored to project the urbane image. Actual tastes run to Juhi Chawla in Duplicate and Sridevi in Laadla).
Musing on these and related issues, the intercom rang, and we noticed with much joy similarly stressed cog in machine's number on the ID. This virtuous gent (muchly loved n all), is slightly... ummm.. staid in outlook. Without actually giving him The Unrest Cure, we have never shirked our bounden duty in introducing some zing n zest in his life.
So we picked up phone, and the conversation (?) went somewhat like this :
High Pitched Squeal : "No, don't, don't DON'T!"
Guttural Tone(originally modelled on Teutonic tyrants of WW II, now adapted to sound Middle Eastern dagger in djellaba-ish) : " We haf means of geththing our way"
HPS : "We are innocent, for God's sake!"
GT : "Where would your Gods be without prayers ? Where would your saviours be without victims ?"
HPS : "We have done no wrong to you."
GT : " Your culture extols sacrifice. Our committment demands blood. Pliss not to take personally."
HPS : " Haalp!!"
GT (on phone): "Listen, unless you meet our organisational goal of houris, we shall kill him and send him to you in small packets, one KRA at a time."
Upon which we realized that a gentle voice was going "errrmm" on the other side of the line.
Big Boss, as part of Management By Walking Around, had visited friend's office and was calling from there to fix up similar visit to my orifice.
Siggghhh.
Looks like April will be the cruellest month, indeed.
One of the things that make us wish to take up BFGs and chainsaws is this New Age Management Revolution. Generations of gorment awficers have come and gone with no decision greater than whether samosas are better with tea or do biscuits look more awficer-like being taken. "Keeping pace with the times" meant seasonal shifts from chai to nimbupaani and back to chai.
Sigh. Now higher echelons attend courses on Critical Chain Path Management and Motivational Leadership. And come back, spouting Chicken Soup for The Manager's Soul jargon. And we middling cogs in the machine have to reflect in our Annual Performance Reviews, this revised thought process. My own review/recommendation, in brief and precise terms, is like this :
" I produce garbage because I work in a junkyard. Possibly, it has become a junkyard because of such garbage being produced over the years. Which came first is a subject that requires external consultants, with power-dressed young women resembling Lara Flynn Boyle in The Practice (for those with a severe outlook) or those lushy legals in Ally McBeal (for me) ".
( That of course, is tailored to project the urbane image. Actual tastes run to Juhi Chawla in Duplicate and Sridevi in Laadla).
Musing on these and related issues, the intercom rang, and we noticed with much joy similarly stressed cog in machine's number on the ID. This virtuous gent (muchly loved n all), is slightly... ummm.. staid in outlook. Without actually giving him The Unrest Cure, we have never shirked our bounden duty in introducing some zing n zest in his life.
So we picked up phone, and the conversation (?) went somewhat like this :
High Pitched Squeal : "No, don't, don't DON'T!"
Guttural Tone(originally modelled on Teutonic tyrants of WW II, now adapted to sound Middle Eastern dagger in djellaba-ish) : " We haf means of geththing our way"
HPS : "We are innocent, for God's sake!"
GT : "Where would your Gods be without prayers ? Where would your saviours be without victims ?"
HPS : "We have done no wrong to you."
GT : " Your culture extols sacrifice. Our committment demands blood. Pliss not to take personally."
HPS : " Haalp!!"
GT (on phone): "Listen, unless you meet our organisational goal of houris, we shall kill him and send him to you in small packets, one KRA at a time."
Upon which we realized that a gentle voice was going "errrmm" on the other side of the line.
Big Boss, as part of Management By Walking Around, had visited friend's office and was calling from there to fix up similar visit to my orifice.
Siggghhh.
Looks like April will be the cruellest month, indeed.
'...whether samosas are better with tea or do biscuits look more awficer-like being taken.'
Such dalai-lama!
Rofl. Loued it.
Posted by
ammani |
April 12, 2006 3:17 PM
Watch Office Space (1999) if you haven't already. Subtle intelligent humour and captures the office situation quite well.
Posted by
Anonymous |
April 13, 2006 12:38 AM
I can second Chetan, I watched Office Space a few days back and for my husband it is a form of therapy.
Posted by
Mridula |
April 14, 2006 2:41 PM
Mornin Belle : We aim to please :) Thank you.
Chetan, Mridula : Will do. ( After the APRil month is over, methinks :) )
Posted by
?! |
April 14, 2006 8:41 PM
On a related note : The Unrest Cure is highly recommended reading too. Do follow the link if you haven't thus far.
Posted by
?! |
April 14, 2006 8:50 PM